Cool story, bro.

I was gonna say something, but then I forgot

I'm sorry that I mess you around.

But I'm a lazy fuck, and I still can't promise that I won't forget again. But I'll try not to and stuff. Basically, you should all see Trust. Because it's very VERY fucking good.

Tomb of the Mutilated

It's a very clever idea concerning the rape and murder of a young girl with a large knife, and continuing to rape the corpse until orgasm. This theme is particularly present in the last four tracks on the album.

New batch tomorrow.

As you all know, new films come out on Fridays, so tomorrow and on most future Fridays, there will be a bumper crop of reviews of all the latest releases. Tomorrow will definitely see reviews of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1, and Chico and Rita, and hopefully reviews of some other stuff. To be perfectly honest, everything's been chased away by Potter this week, so it might be a little light tomorrow.

Marcelino Pan y Vino

So, in the process of sitting a Spanish course, we have been forced to watch this film, Marcelino Pan y Vino. A religious film about the miracle of a young child dying for literally no reason, Marcelino Pan Y Vino is without a doubt one of the worst films I have ever seen.

For starters, the plot makes NO SENSE. So this kid Marcelino finds a crucifix in the attic of the monastery where he's grown up. He then hugs the crucifix and dies. No, I'm not making this up, you should see some of the shit in this film.

The characterisation is awful. Marcelino is consistently described as a good boy, despite him having all the makings of a fucking juvenile delinquent. Not to mention that he is pathologically fucking insane, frequently having bizarre visions of the crucifix talking to him and asking him to steal from the kind monks that raised him and put clothes on his back.

It is poorly made, with a terrible script, appalling editing and some shocking acting and musical cues. The only redeeming feature is the really rather good cinematography, showing a dry Spanish landscape at it's most enigmatic and beautiful.

But other than that, the film is dreadful. The terrifyingly upbeat, shamelessly religious themes of the film clash horribly with the horrifying ending, and plot strands established early in the film are completely forgotten. Yep, without a doubt, Marcelino Pan y Vino is one of the worst films I have ever seen. And I've seen A Nymphoid Barbarian in Dinosaur Hell.

And Epic Movie.

Holy shit, Monsters.

So, guys, I know that I was going to do this weekly, and orderly and shit, but FUCK THAT. I saw Monsters today.

So, Monsters is a British made indie sci-fi movie. It's supposedly about alien invasion, but don't let that fool you. Monsters is the kind of movie that you dream of existing, let alone seeing. For those raised on the juvenile nonsense of Transformers 2, or used to the tepid romance of Bridget Jones, Monsters will be a startling experience. Shot for about one-and-a-half million US, Monsters is, first of all, an astonishing technical achievement. From the gorgeous 'sets' (shot on location in South America), to the gradually revealed Monsters of the title, the movie lives and breathes authenticity.

But the real triumph of the picture is the leading couple. Although initially cast in a somewhat clichéd relationship, they develop it beautifully, and totally sell these two, likeable, believable, and yet still beautiful people.

The thing is, that's all I can really tell you. Monsters is a movie that needs to surprise you. It carries a 12A certificate, so there is no excuse to not seek it out, whether at your local arthouse cinema (they need the business), or your favourite faceless multiplex. It is a film that thrives on the delicious delight of the unknown. It is a superb film, but if you still are not convinced, allow me to put it in even more vulgar terms than this sentence ( it's very late by the way, and the Halo 3 OST is all that's keeping me awake right now. On the subject of which, today I listened to the Halo Reach and Halo 3 ODST soundtracks back to back, and do you know what? ODST is by FAR the better soundtrack. Moody, elegant and thrilling. Reach is great, but Marty O' Donnell and and Michael Salvatori will probably never top this stunning piece of soundtrack). But oh yeah. Vulgar terms. Monsters has something for everyone. Action, adventure and romance, there really is no reason not to support this wonderful piece of cinema.

First post of the new direction.

Hey, I'm Jack. Word. So, this is going to be my film review blog. What I'm hoping for, is that this will allow me to vent my spleen on bad films, gush about good ones, and get even angrier at safe ones. It'll probably veer off onto other stuff too, so get used to me talking about Mastodon, or more likely, stop reading.

Right, on with the show.

Okay, so today sees the release of the supposedly Independence Day beating Skyline. Obviously, with Independence Day being a mindless lurch of syrupy Americana, featuring Will Smith at his very worst and some dubious Mac link-ups, it succeeds. Skyline is an enjoyable, decidedly fire and forget, utterly forgettable popcorn flick. Certainly, it has it's fill of totally expendable characters, and enough cheese to give Peter Griffin something more than a stroke, but it achieves what it sets out to do- give the audience their thrills and spills, and leave the mind the moment that Jackass 3 enters the public consciousness. Quick word about Jackass, by the way- see it. Goddamn, that it is a film you need to fucking see.

Also out this week are the shit Due Date and the wonderful another year. Another Year, the story of the middle aged couple Tom and Geri, (they've learned to live with it) is a thoroughly uplifting, insightful, and intelligent study of these two uplifting, insightful and intelligent people, and disruptions in their life, mainly due to their friend Mary, played, in a career defining turn, by Lesley Manville. As a Mike Leigh film, it is understandably not to everybody's tastes, but quite frankly, if you fail to see the beauty in this film, you are a fucking idiot who needs a good shooting. Kind of like that Pope guy.

Unfortunately, this week also gave us Due date. Due Date is a film in which an uptight high flying guy has to hitch a ride back to his hometown with a loveable eccentric who happens to come across him in his time of need. Fuck this unfunny, unoriginal, unpleasant, boring, poorly written, poorly made, SHIT film, and watch Planes Trains and Automobiles. You'll thank me in the long term. And the short term for that matter.

Oh, and now here we come to Let Me In. Whoo, you cannot imagine the anger, cynicism, fear and anger coursing through my veins as prepared to watch this film. The original Let the Right One In was the second best film of 2009, and was quite frankly astonishing. Then I hear that the man who brought us Cloverfield is bringing us a US remake. My blood ran cold. Not even the news that the tremendous Chloe Moretz was to play Eli (needlessly renamed Abby here) could stop the flow of my cynicism. I watched the opening of the film with a heavy heart.

There are a variety of reasons that Let Me In is an excellent film. I could single out each performance, the visuals, the atmosphere, or the fact that it is arguably technically superior to the original. But the thing is, it is, and will always be, totally unnecessary. Taken on it's own merits, the film is superb. But we don't need it. See it, but not before watching the original, and compare the two. They are so similar, Let Me In is arguably a dubbing project with a massive budget. I'm sorry Matt, you did your best, but there's no avoiding- you were doomed to fail.

So yeah. First post. Please come back for more, and comment! I'll definitely reply.